My most recent flight was to beautiful Pittsburgh PA for a family reunion. Most people have been on an airplane ride before and will probably be able to relate to this experience.

I was sitting in the bulk head seat (first row in coach), next to the window. A couple, man and his wife, sit down beside me. They are in their mid forties. She is wearing blue jeans and he is wearing a hat like Rerun from the show "What's Happenin?" We said our hello and buckled in for the ride.

After take off, the flight attendant, very pretty, gave us our breakfast and drinks. The lady all but rips the food away from the flight attendant and begins inhaling her food. She ate all her yogurt (including the plastic cup it came in) and finished off the banana in two bites.

Once she had her fill, she decides she wants to go to sleep. I know this because I am good. :) She proceeds to lean her chair back, crushing the guy behind her, unfastens her seat belt and the unbuttons and unzips her pants. If she would have been pretty, that would have been fine, but NOOOO!!!

Here I am, flying two more hours with Rerun and his sleeping exhibitionist wife. The flight attendant is now coming by to collect trash. I hand her my trash and she notices this lady. It was all she could do not to hurl and then continues to collect the trash in the rest of the plane.

Helga, the exhibitionist, is now beginning to snore and some saliva is creeping out the right side of her mouth. Great!!! One right turn and it sponge city for me!!. Plus, it looked like there was a small piece of banana left on her lip.

By now I really have to go to the bathroom, but don't want to disturb "The Creature" beside me. Seeing the way she destroys food, I wanted no part of her!

About an hour and a half later, the captain comes on and says "flight attendants, please prepare for arrival." The change in cabin pressure is causing my bladder to scream for relief, but I dare not wake her. The flight attendant comes by and carefully awakens "The Seething Mound Of Flesh".

Helga, snorts and makes those funny little noises we all make when we wake up, but she does it twice as loud. She wiped off the drool that was now half way down her cheek and also got rid of the piece of banana, which now was brown.

Once she regained her composure and pulled up her fly, she looked over at me and said, "That was a great flight!" "Good flight?" I thought. I am just about to spray everyone from row 15 forward with my full bladder and tuna girl was feeling good.

The door to the airplane opened right away. I saw my folks in the distance. I ran straight past them yelling "I gotta go!!" and went straight into the bathroom.

Once the muscle spasms of restraining nature subsided, I gave my folks a BIG HUG and went on to have a great family reunion!